[even if she prefers not to dwell in dark feelings, she isn't as good at deceit, at papering over her emotions, as she is at avoiding them. getting thrust back into it - into all of these feelings she hasn't touched for such a long time - just leaves her standing there, a hollow, that sort of tired numbness after a period of intense emotions where you're too drained to even remember how to be upset anymore.]
...Yes. What the fuck. I do so hate to return there.
[it's like before - she's going to be angry for her, honestly.]
Nobody helped you? [she says, bristling.] You were just a kid, nobody...
[a pause.]
Laudna, I'm... I'm sorry. Somebody should've pulled through for you. [she knows that's not how life works. she knows that sometimes, bad things just happen to good people, to people who don't deserve it. and then they're left in pieces afterwards, as the people who used them reap the benefits.
[that's sweet, but it hurts to hear a little, too. it's not how life works, and she's not even sure about should. she wishes that hadn't happened to her, but she's spent so long feeling as though the person she was before was easily discardable. who would care? why should they?]
...The ones who were trying to help, trying to pull through for the innocent, were the ones at the end. The Briarwoods were defeated by some wandering heroes. And then the remaining townspeople set about to clean up the town, rid it of the undead, restore it. A happy ending.
[just one that left her behind, made her unwanted and unworthy of participating in it even though she was a victim, too.]
In some ways, I hate them much more than I hate Delilah.
[it's not touch week, but karlach moves over to her, and holds out a hand. offers it, for her to hold, if she wants. she won't be offended if laudna doesn't, but this is the best way she knows how to comfort.]
I don't blame you. [karlach idolizes the heroes - she probably would've loved vox machina, if she'd known of them. and she thinks that it isn't a bad thing to do that and still be so very aware of the people tossed aside.
a pause.]
You've got every right to. It's rotten, to see a happy ending that doesn't include you. [...] That's the name of the woman they fought last week. Suguru and all them.
the thing is, she would have liked vox machina too if it hadn't been for the very particular circumstances that led her to feel resentful. she even bonded a little with percy, but at this point is aware he will kill her if he ever finds out about what's been going on with her.]
I don't know why that happened. I don't know why they saw all of those things.
Maybe she's trying to get here, since they locked her out. I don't know.
[be careful not to touch her left pinky and ring finger (which are attached and moving now!) - it'll burn. in fact, she makes sure that it's not that hand she offers, just to be safe.]
Well, I think it's sort of funny that she's locked outside in the cold. That's not even the worst of what she deserves for what she did to you.
[tail flick.]
This might be a sort of insensitive and stupid question, but - you're dead, yeah? Undead? [like she can guess by context clues and things, but she just wants to know for sure.]
[that does mean something to her. she likes her spooky self but she's still fairly insecure in general.]
...Struggling against her never got me anywhere. She vanished for a while - a very hard fought victory - but she came back not long later. So I don't see much value in it.
[oh no. this is such a relatable feeling. the grief of knowing that no matter what you do, no matter what happens, what was taken from you will never get back. some people get happy endings, but there isn't one waiting for you. you were just broken and will have to continue to deal with that.
even if she never killed delilah with her own hands, she remembers the feeling of waking up and being told she was killed. how hard it was to feel any joy in that and not just loss. how hard she struggled to wrangle some sense of hope or healing from the moment. and then how quickly even that was taken from her, when delilah returned.
it's hard for her to know how to feel for herself but she feels so, so sad for karlach.
she squeezes the hand she's holding.]
It's not fair, is it?
[she doesn't know the specifics of the situation, why karlach will die, whether there's any way to save her. but fundamentally, it's just that. it isn't fucking fair.]
[it takes her a bit to just... figure out how to respond. she feels so much, she feels it all the damn time, and here, her mortality has never been so present. it's hard to wrap her head around, especially a second time, after she'd put it away in that conversation.
a deep breath.]
It's not. [...] I got sold out too, you know. So - so I relate. We both got sold to the devil.
[she was wary of tying her life to someone else as well, though probably for less altruistic reasons.]
I think many people would be relieved and happy to have a partner like you, Karlach. You're such a brave and reliable presence. But it's your choice, and an understandable one.
[weehhh. that makes her feel good, hearing that - who wouldn't feel good, but. that's exactly the kind of thing she wants to impart on people. that she's someone that can be relied on.]
Thanks, spooky. [she says, genuinely.] You know - maybe it's all nonsense, feel good bullshit. But I hope things work for you. I really do. If there was anything I could ever do to get Delilah off your back, I'd do it.
Even if you think it's something you've got to handle on your own, the people around you can always figure something out to help. Even if it doesn't solve the problem.
[but she figures laudna knows that. dnd parties is the same.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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...Yes. What the fuck. I do so hate to return there.
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Nobody helped you? [she says, bristling.] You were just a kid, nobody...
[a pause.]
Laudna, I'm... I'm sorry. Somebody should've pulled through for you. [she knows that's not how life works. she knows that sometimes, bad things just happen to good people, to people who don't deserve it. and then they're left in pieces afterwards, as the people who used them reap the benefits.
it hits very close.]
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...The ones who were trying to help, trying to pull through for the innocent, were the ones at the end. The Briarwoods were defeated by some wandering heroes. And then the remaining townspeople set about to clean up the town, rid it of the undead, restore it. A happy ending.
[just one that left her behind, made her unwanted and unworthy of participating in it even though she was a victim, too.]
In some ways, I hate them much more than I hate Delilah.
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I don't blame you. [karlach idolizes the heroes - she probably would've loved vox machina, if she'd known of them. and she thinks that it isn't a bad thing to do that and still be so very aware of the people tossed aside.
a pause.]
You've got every right to. It's rotten, to see a happy ending that doesn't include you. [...] That's the name of the woman they fought last week. Suguru and all them.
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the thing is, she would have liked vox machina too if it hadn't been for the very particular circumstances that led her to feel resentful. she even bonded a little with percy, but at this point is aware he will kill her if he ever finds out about what's been going on with her.]
I don't know why that happened. I don't know why they saw all of those things.
Maybe she's trying to get here, since they locked her out. I don't know.
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Well, I think it's sort of funny that she's locked outside in the cold. That's not even the worst of what she deserves for what she did to you.
[tail flick.]
This might be a sort of insensitive and stupid question, but - you're dead, yeah? Undead? [like she can guess by context clues and things, but she just wants to know for sure.]
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[a small smile at that, even if the idea that delilah has some sort of power outside of just whispering in her head is terrifying.
she nods at that.]
Oh, yes. She was a necromancer. She killed me to bring me back, it just went a little differently than anticipated.
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[gazes. no kidding.]
Would you want to be not undead? Like, revived. Fully.
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I didn't choose this, but I like who I am now. I wouldn't want to go back to being that girl again. I don't know her.
[the thought of being alive, really alive, is not necessarily appealing. but at the same time.]
For a long time, I hoped to be free of Delilah, at least. I could be myself, as I am, but put the rest of it behind me.
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I like who you are, too. [honestly. even if she doesn't know her on a deep personal level or anything - she likes laudna a lot.]
But you can't now? [...] Or that's what it sounds like, I guess. Not to assume.
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[that does mean something to her. she likes her spooky self but she's still fairly insecure in general.]
...Struggling against her never got me anywhere. She vanished for a while - a very hard fought victory - but she came back not long later. So I don't see much value in it.
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There has got to be a way to get rid of her. She shouldn't get to just hitch a ride, she should be dead. Forever.
[a beat.]
Not that that always fixes things.
[which is a nice opportunity for a memory back]
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even if she never killed delilah with her own hands, she remembers the feeling of waking up and being told she was killed. how hard it was to feel any joy in that and not just loss. how hard she struggled to wrangle some sense of hope or healing from the moment. and then how quickly even that was taken from her, when delilah returned.
it's hard for her to know how to feel for herself but she feels so, so sad for karlach.
she squeezes the hand she's holding.]
It's not fair, is it?
[she doesn't know the specifics of the situation, why karlach will die, whether there's any way to save her. but fundamentally, it's just that. it isn't fucking fair.]
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a deep breath.]
It's not. [...] I got sold out too, you know. So - so I relate. We both got sold to the devil.
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[it's good that he died. even if it didn't fix anything. it's hard to think that it doesn't.]
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It doesn't change the past, the damage that has already been done.
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Hard to be excited even though all of your friends are, yeah. I wanted to be. [a sigh.] But. You saw. I'm still... I'm still dying.
[laudna's still dead, and it all still happened, and all the roads to solutions are dead ends.]
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I just don't want to tie my life to someone else.
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[she was wary of tying her life to someone else as well, though probably for less altruistic reasons.]
I think many people would be relieved and happy to have a partner like you, Karlach. You're such a brave and reliable presence. But it's your choice, and an understandable one.
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Thanks, spooky. [she says, genuinely.] You know - maybe it's all nonsense, feel good bullshit. But I hope things work for you. I really do. If there was anything I could ever do to get Delilah off your back, I'd do it.
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[but she figures laudna knows that. dnd parties is the same.]
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[she has friends. it's just complicated.]