They're rather charming people. When my friends and I needed one, they provided a cleric and paid the costs for the service. There is not much more one can ask. [but she just resents them anyway.]
Because they don't want to be bothered by all of that, anyway. They'll just look at me sadly and try to appease their guilt, but they won't go a step farther than that. So I won't bother to ask them.
I agree. And for a long time, that's what I intended to do. But I'm not sure that's what I'm after any longer. There are other people whose endings I do want to assure.
I thought so for a little while, too. I wanted it. But I've chosen a direction for myself that I think has a different outcome. The world is dangerous and I want the ones I care for to be safe, even if it makes it less likely that I continue on after.
I've had less time than many get, but more time than I was ever meant to. I can't be dissatisfied by that.
Funny circumstances, right? All these little pieces aligned to make sure I'd get out of the Hells, and now I'm going to put my claws in the grass on the outside.
[brainworms, huh. that sounds like a silly offhand comment. anyway, she thinks.]
Untethering myself from a bad influence also meant untethering myself from... power, yes, but more than that. I always knew if I became angry or desperate, I'd bring it back. I couldn't live with avoiding it. Easier to adapt.
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What about you? Do you think you're going to get one?
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No. But that really has nothing to do with them.
[...]
They're rather charming people. When my friends and I needed one, they provided a cleric and paid the costs for the service. There is not much more one can ask. [but she just resents them anyway.]
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Why not? [to like, all of that. why not a happy ending, why not ask for more]
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[she says a little less sweetly.]
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Well, fuck them, then. You don't need to rely on them for a happy ending. You can take one.
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[she frowns, looking down.]
I agree. And for a long time, that's what I intended to do. But I'm not sure that's what I'm after any longer. There are other people whose endings I do want to assure.
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But it could. I think you should have hope that it could.
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[but there's no bark in it. she sighs.]
I thought so for a little while, too. I wanted it. But I've chosen a direction for myself that I think has a different outcome. The world is dangerous and I want the ones I care for to be safe, even if it makes it less likely that I continue on after.
I've had less time than many get, but more time than I was ever meant to. I can't be dissatisfied by that.
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Guess I can't exactly argue you on that one. [she'd be a hypocrite!] But the ones who care about you are going to want the same thing for you.
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[hmm.]
What about you, then? Do you have hopes to get your freedom?
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[is the answer she comes up with, at length.]
Funny circumstances, right? All these little pieces aligned to make sure I'd get out of the Hells, and now I'm going to put my claws in the grass on the outside.
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[and i think she realizes the same is true for her, right now, but she isn't sure how she feels about that.]
Have you been running from them long?
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I don't think so. Maybe it's hard getting out of the consequences of my choices, though. [a little grin.]
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[so she let it back in.]
What consequences?
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[...] What d'you mean, still needed all of it?
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Untethering myself from a bad influence also meant untethering myself from... power, yes, but more than that. I always knew if I became angry or desperate, I'd bring it back. I couldn't live with avoiding it. Easier to adapt.
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Guess I don't exactly need to tell you this, but - make a deal with the devil and you're going to get burned, no matter which way you turn.
[she doesn't think the devil has to be literal - it can be power, it can be anything.]
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[she knows that's true.]
But you can be an innocent bystander and be burned just the same, and with much less to show for it.
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... I wish it wasn't like that. [but she's not blindly optimistic. it's just a nice thought.]
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