[sometimes, it's just important to let the person that is hurting have it, so they can work through it, so they can move on. to have it acknowledged is important to her, to not skip ahead to the ending with a neat and easy bow, to hear you did this, so let's take that and let it breathe and not it doesn't matter, i forgive you, it was my fault anyway. it matters to her.
he isn't mad at her, and that doesn't bother her. she doesn't want him to be, not really. but it does feel worse to let him take the whole fault and decide that he's a failure of a person because of it. her guilt is bad enough, having killed him, having killed six people in the fog, she doesn't want to offer him that ammunition to beat himself up and watch that happen. that's the end of that.
she can't really articulate any of this in a way that makes sense, so instead:]
I need you to stick to that. Because we can't fix this if you're going to wrestle me for the sense of failure the whole time.
Cloud said to not have a fucking guilt-off. So. Let's not.
[ he’s just quiet as she continues, emotions jumbled up and messy, scattered and hard to parse. - and at the last bit, he just nods, his gaze dropping downwards to the ground. ]
Okay. [ okay. this is helping. this is helping her. this is what she wants to hear, so. it’s what she gets to hear. if he can finally help Karlach, then it’s enough. stick to it, she says, and he nods, a little smile on his face. ]
I understand. [ it's still - i'll try, or maybe the gerund. but there's a little contentment in those messy emotions, too, something soothed by finally being able to actually help. ]
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no subject
he isn't mad at her, and that doesn't bother her. she doesn't want him to be, not really. but it does feel worse to let him take the whole fault and decide that he's a failure of a person because of it. her guilt is bad enough, having killed him, having killed six people in the fog, she doesn't want to offer him that ammunition to beat himself up and watch that happen. that's the end of that.
she can't really articulate any of this in a way that makes sense, so instead:]
I need you to stick to that. Because we can't fix this if you're going to wrestle me for the sense of failure the whole time.
Cloud said to not have a fucking guilt-off. So. Let's not.
no subject
Okay. [ okay. this is helping. this is helping her. this is what she wants to hear, so. it’s what she gets to hear. if he can finally help Karlach, then it’s enough. stick to it, she says, and he nods, a little smile on his face. ]
I understand. [ it's still - i'll try, or maybe the gerund. but there's a little contentment in those messy emotions, too, something soothed by finally being able to actually help. ]
no subject
there's a bit of fear, still, but mostly stubborn determination. hug?]
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he's a little surprised and it reflects on his face, but he will take it - he lifts his arms and reaches out to hug her back, tightly. hug. ]