[ for rondo, saying this just feels wrong, when it's not her fault. when really, it's not even his own weakness, it's the stupid cult's fault. it feels wrong. why accuse someone of something they didn't do? why push the weight and cruelty onto someone's shoulders when it was out of their control? it's not fair. it goes against his principles in so many ways.
(because that was the thing. with ceraphina, with sazantos. they chose to do violence. with father monaris, even, twisted by his experiments, a walking punishment of his unforgivable behavior, chose to do so. but here, hardly anyone chooses to kill. just rondo, who killed to save camille, and lucas, a whole other story. and after facing down elrica with alaune, he's not sure that he can reconcile the idea that someone who didn't have a choice is a killer. facts or otherwise. )
...but, karlach does feel better, and he can feel that. and if that's what helps, then he'll just have to learn to accept it. it helps him to help her, which comes through in his emotions. and even if he feels nauseous the literal second the phrase is out of his mouth, nails on a chalkboard kind of dissonance, he still manages a small smile at the wave of her relief, and there's a little from him, too. no self-loathing or anything this time, no guilt, so there's that. ]
...Of course.
[ if that's what she wants, then... that's what he can do. ]
[sometimes, it's just important to let the person that is hurting have it, so they can work through it, so they can move on. to have it acknowledged is important to her, to not skip ahead to the ending with a neat and easy bow, to hear you did this, so let's take that and let it breathe and not it doesn't matter, i forgive you, it was my fault anyway. it matters to her.
he isn't mad at her, and that doesn't bother her. she doesn't want him to be, not really. but it does feel worse to let him take the whole fault and decide that he's a failure of a person because of it. her guilt is bad enough, having killed him, having killed six people in the fog, she doesn't want to offer him that ammunition to beat himself up and watch that happen. that's the end of that.
she can't really articulate any of this in a way that makes sense, so instead:]
I need you to stick to that. Because we can't fix this if you're going to wrestle me for the sense of failure the whole time.
Cloud said to not have a fucking guilt-off. So. Let's not.
[ he’s just quiet as she continues, emotions jumbled up and messy, scattered and hard to parse. - and at the last bit, he just nods, his gaze dropping downwards to the ground. ]
Okay. [ okay. this is helping. this is helping her. this is what she wants to hear, so. it’s what she gets to hear. if he can finally help Karlach, then it’s enough. stick to it, she says, and he nods, a little smile on his face. ]
I understand. [ it's still - i'll try, or maybe the gerund. but there's a little contentment in those messy emotions, too, something soothed by finally being able to actually help. ]
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(because that was the thing. with ceraphina, with sazantos. they chose to do violence. with father monaris, even, twisted by his experiments, a walking punishment of his unforgivable behavior, chose to do so. but here, hardly anyone chooses to kill. just rondo, who killed to save camille, and lucas, a whole other story. and after facing down elrica with alaune, he's not sure that he can reconcile the idea that someone who didn't have a choice is a killer. facts or otherwise. )
...but, karlach does feel better, and he can feel that. and if that's what helps, then he'll just have to learn to accept it. it helps him to help her, which comes through in his emotions. and even if he feels nauseous the literal second the phrase is out of his mouth, nails on a chalkboard kind of dissonance, he still manages a small smile at the wave of her relief, and there's a little from him, too. no self-loathing or anything this time, no guilt, so there's that. ]
...Of course.
[ if that's what she wants, then... that's what he can do. ]
no subject
he isn't mad at her, and that doesn't bother her. she doesn't want him to be, not really. but it does feel worse to let him take the whole fault and decide that he's a failure of a person because of it. her guilt is bad enough, having killed him, having killed six people in the fog, she doesn't want to offer him that ammunition to beat himself up and watch that happen. that's the end of that.
she can't really articulate any of this in a way that makes sense, so instead:]
I need you to stick to that. Because we can't fix this if you're going to wrestle me for the sense of failure the whole time.
Cloud said to not have a fucking guilt-off. So. Let's not.
no subject
Okay. [ okay. this is helping. this is helping her. this is what she wants to hear, so. it’s what she gets to hear. if he can finally help Karlach, then it’s enough. stick to it, she says, and he nods, a little smile on his face. ]
I understand. [ it's still - i'll try, or maybe the gerund. but there's a little contentment in those messy emotions, too, something soothed by finally being able to actually help. ]
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there's a bit of fear, still, but mostly stubborn determination. hug?]
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he's a little surprised and it reflects on his face, but he will take it - he lifts his arms and reaches out to hug her back, tightly. hug. ]