the absolute, visceral pain of this memory is staggering, in the way the grief inside is so guttural it makes rondo's heart break in two. it's the realization of that mechanical, steady thumping. it's her box with the just slightly too large heart at the very beginning, and it's the way she says it.
Because the person I trusted the most - I loved that fucking animal - gave me away to the devil!"
rondo doesn't realize it, but he's crying. tears run down his face, salty and wet, for karlach, for the life that she deserves to have, for her misery, and for the way she just - she just bottles it all up at the end, too. for empathy. for understanding how it feels to have the rug swept out from underneath you and - for the consequences of someone else's selfishness, too.
rondo reaches out when it's over, and just like gale did - he reaches out, and he curls his hand around her arm, and squeezes it. tight. ]
[it's - hard, to see this one, she can't handle it very well. it's recent, like rubbing salt into the wound that is still so very open.
karlach doesn't like to let people see this part of her. the desperately sad, angry parts, the devastated ones. it doesn't do anybody any good. there's only so much time she has left. it's not worth it to weigh people down with it, not when they can't do anything to stop it from happening. what she wants is to have memories, to make the most of her freedom.
she drags in a deep breath, but the smile doesn't come this time. don't be sad, don't be sad.]
[ it's a little intense, impassioned as always - he shakes her arm a little when he does. ] There's nothing to be sorry for - I - Karlach. You never have to apologize for something like that.
[ what's the point of having friends, if you can't show them when you're hurting? what's the point, of trying to bury all that pain and suffer? ]
[ weh. okay. listen. he's going to do what karlach has done for him - he moves his arm free of hers, and stands on his tiptoes to wrap them around her shoulders instead, to pull her in for a hug and squeeze. ]
You don't have to say anything. If - if you want to, then you should, but.. I think - I think you need to let yourself be upset, Karlach. It's - I'm upset for you, too.
[she's weak to hugs, honestly, so - when he stands up, she leans down, and lets him hug her. she closes her eyes, because it makes it easier to not cry. silence, for a moment, as she struggles to think of what to say, and then:]
There's nothing to be done about it. [...] It's - I haven't got long.
[it's such a mixed thing for her, because - that was it. that was her closure, and it didn't feel good. it didn't help. it just made her feel wretched. and she doesn't want to feel wretched, in the last few weeks she has to be alive.]
he squeezes a little tighter. if he had a tiefling tail, it'd be wound around karlach. just - trying to impart her with as much love and care as he can. i haven't got long breaks his heart, and - and after a moment, rondo pulls back a little bit and grabs her face in his hands. it's no longer touch week, but that's okay. ]
Then - then we're going to do everything we can to make sure it's good. Even - even here, in this place, we're going to do everything we can.
[CORRECT YEAH, me like ah yes a perfect song for many reasons.
she's a little surprised when he does, but she doesn't mind. he's got her face in his hands, and she's overwarm as usual, but. it doesn't burn. she looks miserable, for the first time since getting here - not that she hasn't been at times, but it's really the first time she's allowed herself to just... be sad. listless. tears drip down her face as she looks at him, exhausted.]
... Okay. [she says, lamely.] I've been trying. It's been - it's been pretty okay here. Even with all the bad parts. Means I got to meet all of you.
[ WAAAA he's glad - it's good! it's good that she's allowing herself to be sad, but also, his heart breaks for the hundredth time, and rondo wipes the tears with his thumbs automatically, fussy and supportive, smiling a little helplessly but no less sincere. ]
I know I've certainly been changed for the better for knowing you, Karlach. [ rondo says, sincere and serious as always. she's someone that he admires and looks up to, a person whose strength of character, strength of heart is something to be admired, to be trusted. it's something that rondo always strives for.] I've enjoyed every moment we've spent together - and I'm sure everyone here would say the same.
Yeah. Hah, yeah, I've... I've heard people tell me that. I'm glad. That's all I want, I just want you all to remember me like that. [a hiccup, and she swallows hard.
a pause, and she sniffs, another couple tears leaking down her face.]
I - Gods, I don't want to die.
[her voice breaks in the middle of it, a helpless laugh.]
[ god. well, okay, listen, he's too empathetic for anything but to tear up, too - his eyes well up, and he looks at her, still holding her face in his hands. ]
I don't want you to die, either. [ sincere, genuine, as always. emotional. hurting for karlach, for the future that she crawled through hell for, literally, only to know it'd be taken away. it's not - it's not fair. for someone so good, and someone so wonderful, to be stolen away. to be betrayed, to fight back, and for what? for futility. maybe joy is the only way through something like this.
but he rubs the tears away there, too, sniffling. ] I wish - I wish there was something. Maybe... maybe someone here can help.
[but she doesn't want to get that particular hope up. she doesn't think she'd survive that one, heart or not. people have tried - the wish, they say, or technology, or magic, but she can't let this one in. she just has to enjoy what she has.
[ he can't even try to hide it - rondo's bad at it, so it's clear that hurt flickers across his face. not because of what karlach said, but because of the act itself.
he nods, once, hands curling into fists in his lap. ]
... And I thought... I thought he trusted me, too. [ sazantos had even said so. rondo will never forget the way he felt, the i trust you to have my back, rondo that sent his heart to the stratosphere during the attack on emberglow. he thought. he thought he knew who sazantos was.
... Think he did. [she says, finally.] Sometimes trust isn't enough, though. Sometimes whatever is in their head is too much to fight.
He seemed tired. [...] And you can't always help with that. You can try. You always can try. But sometimes that's all. They've got to take the hand you're offering.
[ "he seems tired", she says. the more he thinks about it, the more it makes sense. it makes rondo's heart hurt, to think, that he could do so little. if he could turn back time, he would. ]
...right. [ by now, he's accepted what he has to do - that he has to fight him, that he was fighting him, but... the regrets of the past are so heavy, he's not sure he'll ever actually let him go.
rondo lifts takes a deep breath. in. out. ]
In the end, it's... I can only hope that my companions have finished the fight, now. I have his sword, so I pray that it was easier because of it.
[ though it doesn't quite make up for not being able to say goodbye. ]
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the absolute, visceral pain of this memory is staggering, in the way the grief inside is so guttural it makes rondo's heart break in two. it's the realization of that mechanical, steady thumping. it's her box with the just slightly too large heart at the very beginning, and it's the way she says it.
Because the person I trusted the most - I loved that fucking animal - gave me away to the devil!"
rondo doesn't realize it, but he's crying. tears run down his face, salty and wet, for karlach, for the life that she deserves to have, for her misery, and for the way she just - she just bottles it all up at the end, too. for empathy. for understanding how it feels to have the rug swept out from underneath you and - for the consequences of someone else's selfishness, too.
rondo reaches out when it's over, and just like gale did - he reaches out, and he curls his hand around her arm, and squeezes it. tight. ]
Oh, Karlach...
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karlach doesn't like to let people see this part of her. the desperately sad, angry parts, the devastated ones. it doesn't do anybody any good. there's only so much time she has left. it's not worth it to weigh people down with it, not when they can't do anything to stop it from happening. what she wants is to have memories, to make the most of her freedom.
she drags in a deep breath, but the smile doesn't come this time. don't be sad, don't be sad.]
Sorry.
[...]
Don't cry, it's alright.
[rests her hand on top of his, gentle.]
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- What, what are you apologizing for?
[ it's a little intense, impassioned as always - he shakes her arm a little when he does. ] There's nothing to be sorry for - I - Karlach. You never have to apologize for something like that.
[ what's the point of having friends, if you can't show them when you're hurting? what's the point, of trying to bury all that pain and suffer? ]
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Didn't know what else to say, I guess.
[...]
Still don't.
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You don't have to say anything. If - if you want to, then you should, but.. I think - I think you need to let yourself be upset, Karlach. It's - I'm upset for you, too.
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There's nothing to be done about it. [...] It's - I haven't got long.
[it's such a mixed thing for her, because - that was it. that was her closure, and it didn't feel good. it didn't help. it just made her feel wretched. and she doesn't want to feel wretched, in the last few weeks she has to be alive.]
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he squeezes a little tighter. if he had a tiefling tail, it'd be wound around karlach. just - trying to impart her with as much love and care as he can. i haven't got long breaks his heart, and - and after a moment, rondo pulls back a little bit and grabs her face in his hands. it's no longer touch week, but that's okay. ]
Then - then we're going to do everything we can to make sure it's good. Even - even here, in this place, we're going to do everything we can.
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she's a little surprised when he does, but she doesn't mind. he's got her face in his hands, and she's overwarm as usual, but. it doesn't burn. she looks miserable, for the first time since getting here - not that she hasn't been at times, but it's really the first time she's allowed herself to just... be sad. listless. tears drip down her face as she looks at him, exhausted.]
... Okay. [she says, lamely.] I've been trying. It's been - it's been pretty okay here. Even with all the bad parts. Means I got to meet all of you.
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I know I've certainly been changed for the better for knowing you, Karlach. [ rondo says, sincere and serious as always. she's someone that he admires and looks up to, a person whose strength of character, strength of heart is something to be admired, to be trusted. it's something that rondo always strives for.] I've enjoyed every moment we've spent together - and I'm sure everyone here would say the same.
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Yeah. Hah, yeah, I've... I've heard people tell me that. I'm glad. That's all I want, I just want you all to remember me like that. [a hiccup, and she swallows hard.
a pause, and she sniffs, another couple tears leaking down her face.]
I - Gods, I don't want to die.
[her voice breaks in the middle of it, a helpless laugh.]
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I don't want you to die, either. [ sincere, genuine, as always. emotional. hurting for karlach, for the future that she crawled through hell for, literally, only to know it'd be taken away. it's not - it's not fair. for someone so good, and someone so wonderful, to be stolen away. to be betrayed, to fight back, and for what? for futility. maybe joy is the only way through something like this.
but he rubs the tears away there, too, sniffling. ] I wish - I wish there was something. Maybe... maybe someone here can help.
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... Maybe.
[but she doesn't want to get that particular hope up. she doesn't think she'd survive that one, heart or not. people have tried - the wish, they say, or technology, or magic, but she can't let this one in. she just has to enjoy what she has.
it's too scary to do otherwise.]
Wouldn't count on it, though.
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...mm.
[ rondo's going to say something else but it's thursday so memshare time!!! i waffled forever but this is the one you get.
when the memory finishes, rondo's hand is up, resting very lightly on his throat. ]
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and then:]
... Rondo. [alright, buddy. let's talk about it. there's so much to unpack - but she's steady, and calm, resting her hand on his back.]
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... It's okay, Karlach. [ he says, exhaling out - his shoulders roll back. ] I'm... it's okay.
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[accepting, but dimmed.]
You trusted that guy. More than anything.
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he nods, once, hands curling into fists in his lap. ]
... And I thought... I thought he trusted me, too. [ sazantos had even said so. rondo will never forget the way he felt, the i trust you to have my back, rondo that sent his heart to the stratosphere during the attack on emberglow. he thought. he thought he knew who sazantos was.
he thought a lot of things. ]
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He seemed tired. [...] And you can't always help with that. You can try. You always can try. But sometimes that's all. They've got to take the hand you're offering.
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...right. [ by now, he's accepted what he has to do - that he has to fight him, that he was fighting him, but... the regrets of the past are so heavy, he's not sure he'll ever actually let him go.
rondo lifts takes a deep breath. in. out. ]
In the end, it's... I can only hope that my companions have finished the fight, now. I have his sword, so I pray that it was easier because of it.
[ though it doesn't quite make up for not being able to say goodbye. ]