[she just holds it, for now, but keeps walking - he can probably tell she's being like... not standoffish, she's not mad, it's just cautious. not of him. of herself.]
No. Nobody but Gale and Astarion did. [...] I didn't want them to stop me.
[ yeah, that's clear immediately. he glances over at her often on the walk, clearly worried, but... well. it'd be hard not to understand why.
that makes sense, and he makes a soft noise of understanding. ]
I'm glad... I'm glad that it went the way it did. [ for karlach's partner, but for her, too. her chance to die on her own terms. rondo's voice is soft, and he looks away, finally, down at the ground. ] When they knocked you out, I was afraid they were going to... make you stay like that.
[it's really, honestly, just a time thing. she's still so - scared of herself, of what she had to watch herself do. it was brutal. and she's killed in brutal ways before, she's ripped demons apart with her bare hands, but rondo is not a demon. he's a person, and she was going to rip him to shreds.
she got her choice. that's what she wanted. and she hasn't exactly - dealt with any of the trauma of this, but if she has her way she probably won't. she can't hurt anybody anymore. so it's fine.]
I think they were going to try. [she says, after a moment.] I was going to try, for them.
[but she would've been miserable. the knowledge that she was going to be a ticking time bomb, again. if it'd been vin next, or ashlyn, she's not sure what she would've done.]
[ that's a mood on the dealing with the trauma. rondo forgot all about the part about actually dying. about what that means for him, about what it means for orsterra, for his sister, for anything. even now, walking side by side with the very person who killed him, he starts to feel the edges of it pulling at his subconscious but doesn't let it, reminding himself in as much firmness as he can that that wasn't her.
he nods, after a moment, and... ]
....I think we've talked about this before. [ rondo says, quietly, familiar. he thinks of cordelia, and her voice echoes errantly in his head as a thought. You're always so considerate and thoughtful of my feelings, Rondo. You've always taken care of me. So - it's my turn, now. I want you to do something you want. it's something he and karlach have in common, that tank mentality. i hurt, so others don't. ]
But... even if you were trying, you were going to be suffering. I think Mr. Gale and Mr. Astarion knew that, too. [ ... ] It's... we have to take care of ourselves, to take care of others.
[silence, for a moment, as they walk. she holds geto's keychain tightly in her hand.]
That's what Laudna said. [but it's still fresh and it's still painful, and she's reluctant to talk about it because it feels like if she does, she's going to bleed out all over the floor. she's not sure if she's going to be able to talk about it. it's scary. it's absolutely horrifying, to have lost control, and to have to ask your closest friends, your family, to put you down.
his heart squeezes at her name, hard, and he looks down at the ground, trying to keep it off of his face. he thinks about seeing her hold that lion plush at the trial and the promises they made to each other. the way she reacted - don't say that. you're not going to die. when he first disappeared.
there's quiet on his end too. just a slow inhale and exhale. stay calm. keep your composure. you're the flameguard, so act like it. ]
...yeah. [ is all he manages at first, softly, agreeing. I wish I could have - no, cutting the thought off before it finishes, fiercely forcing himself to focus on anything else. (but i wish i could have said goodbye. there was no time for that. just a hastily scurried letter and a left behind animal plush to make up for vanishing from her life. vin had very quickly become one of rondo's dearest, closest friends, the kind of person who supported him through the nightmare of last week with camille, the kind of person who so relentlessly reminded him that he was capable, the kind of person who he treasured as close as family in this nightmarish place. and like so many other exits, it was brief, violent, and over in a flash. )
rondo bites his lip hard enough that it turns white and shakes his head. ]
She knows... she knows we aren't lost forever. And Alfyn and the others will take good care of her, too.
[ there are many others that avoiding these conversations with will be easy, but with rondo, maybe that isn't the case. he's never been willing to let her suffer in silence, and... even now, after everything, they have to - have to talk things out. it's why he'd desperately tried to forgive her, with his last breath. it's his turn to be strong, since he failed karlach so badly on Thursday night. if nothing else, maybe he can help now. ]
I know that does not make it any easier, but it's what I've been telling myself, too. Even if it hurts. [ ... ] If you got to talk to her as yourself, I know that must have been important to her.
[there's a little flicker of thoughtshare - of vin's voice going don't leave me, and karlach has to shove the keychain into a pocket so she doesn't break it.]
No, it doesn't make it any fucking easier. [she says, with a touch of bitterness in her voice.] I took so much from her in one go. She was all broken up about you, and knowing it was me fucked her up worse.
[...]
I don't remember what I said to her. Monster took that, too.
[ she corrects herself on the second part, but it's still important. he hears vin's voice, and he stubbornly keeps his gaze down. don't react. don't react, don't react. she's hurting enough. she doesn't need you on top of it. ]
This place did. And... we are not taken away permanently. I won't allow myself to believe so.
[ fucked, though he'd never actually say the word because he's a weenie. it's... hard, still. it feels like he's walking on eggshells, and he wants to help so, so badly, but - he knows this has to just take time. rondo bites his lip, gaze fixed on the ground. ]
... This entire place is. But, we just have to remind her that we haven't left her, at all. Her, and everyone else that we communicate with. We're all still here. And - in your case, you're here as you, and that matters.
... Even if the light is as tiny as a pinprick, we still have to grab onto it.
[ gale said it, too - alive is one step forward. it's how rondo's taken this whole thing - he might have 'died', but he still walks, talks, breathes. that means he has to keep moving towards the light. ]
[ his smile's just as genuine, and there's a little relief, to see her gentling some, though - it's tinged with worry, but it's not emotionshare week, so she doesn't get to know that. sometimes it's hard to tell, with karlach, so he can't be a hundred percent sure, but...
well, it's something, at least. ]
There's no need to thank me. It's merely the truth.
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No. Nobody but Gale and Astarion did. [...] I didn't want them to stop me.
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that makes sense, and he makes a soft noise of understanding. ]
I'm glad... I'm glad that it went the way it did. [ for karlach's partner, but for her, too. her chance to die on her own terms. rondo's voice is soft, and he looks away, finally, down at the ground. ] When they knocked you out, I was afraid they were going to... make you stay like that.
[ It felt so much crueler to do that to you. ]
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she got her choice. that's what she wanted. and she hasn't exactly - dealt with any of the trauma of this, but if she has her way she probably won't. she can't hurt anybody anymore. so it's fine.]
I think they were going to try. [she says, after a moment.] I was going to try, for them.
[but she would've been miserable. the knowledge that she was going to be a ticking time bomb, again. if it'd been vin next, or ashlyn, she's not sure what she would've done.]
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he nods, after a moment, and... ]
....I think we've talked about this before. [ rondo says, quietly, familiar. he thinks of cordelia, and her voice echoes errantly in his head as a thought. You're always so considerate and thoughtful of my feelings, Rondo. You've always taken care of me. So - it's my turn, now. I want you to do something you want. it's something he and karlach have in common, that tank mentality. i hurt, so others don't. ]
But... even if you were trying, you were going to be suffering. I think Mr. Gale and Mr. Astarion knew that, too. [ ... ] It's... we have to take care of ourselves, to take care of others.
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That's what Laudna said. [but it's still fresh and it's still painful, and she's reluctant to talk about it because it feels like if she does, she's going to bleed out all over the floor. she's not sure if she's going to be able to talk about it. it's scary. it's absolutely horrifying, to have lost control, and to have to ask your closest friends, your family, to put you down.
she keeps walking.]
Vin... Vin was the worst to say goodbye to.
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his heart squeezes at her name, hard, and he looks down at the ground, trying to keep it off of his face. he thinks about seeing her hold that lion plush at the trial and the promises they made to each other. the way she reacted - don't say that. you're not going to die. when he first disappeared.
there's quiet on his end too. just a slow inhale and exhale. stay calm. keep your composure. you're the flameguard, so act like it. ]
...yeah. [ is all he manages at first, softly, agreeing. I wish I could have - no, cutting the thought off before it finishes, fiercely forcing himself to focus on anything else. (but i wish i could have said goodbye. there was no time for that. just a hastily scurried letter and a left behind animal plush to make up for vanishing from her life. vin had very quickly become one of rondo's dearest, closest friends, the kind of person who supported him through the nightmare of last week with camille, the kind of person who so relentlessly reminded him that he was capable, the kind of person who he treasured as close as family in this nightmarish place. and like so many other exits, it was brief, violent, and over in a flash. )
rondo bites his lip hard enough that it turns white and shakes his head. ]
She knows... she knows we aren't lost forever. And Alfyn and the others will take good care of her, too.
[ there are many others that avoiding these conversations with will be easy, but with rondo, maybe that isn't the case. he's never been willing to let her suffer in silence, and... even now, after everything, they have to - have to talk things out. it's why he'd desperately tried to forgive her, with his last breath. it's his turn to be strong, since he failed karlach so badly on Thursday night. if nothing else, maybe he can help now. ]
I know that does not make it any easier, but it's what I've been telling myself, too. Even if it hurts. [ ... ] If you got to talk to her as yourself, I know that must have been important to her.
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No, it doesn't make it any fucking easier. [she says, with a touch of bitterness in her voice.] I took so much from her in one go. She was all broken up about you, and knowing it was me fucked her up worse.
[...]
I don't remember what I said to her. Monster took that, too.
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[ she corrects herself on the second part, but it's still important. he hears vin's voice, and he stubbornly keeps his gaze down. don't react. don't react, don't react. she's hurting enough. she doesn't need you on top of it. ]
This place did. And... we are not taken away permanently. I won't allow myself to believe so.
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No. Not permanently. But that doesn't matter, right? Because she's still getting left behind by all the people that love her. It's fucked.
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[ fucked, though he'd never actually say the word because he's a weenie. it's... hard, still. it feels like he's walking on eggshells, and he wants to help so, so badly, but - he knows this has to just take time. rondo bites his lip, gaze fixed on the ground. ]
... This entire place is. But, we just have to remind her that we haven't left her, at all. Her, and everyone else that we communicate with. We're all still here. And - in your case, you're here as you, and that matters.
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her hand comes up to rub at her chest - no glow, no nothing. just her real heart, beating slow.]
I can write. [...] I'll write.
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[ gale said it, too - alive is one step forward. it's how rondo's taken this whole thing - he might have 'died', but he still walks, talks, breathes. that means he has to keep moving towards the light. ]
If anyone can, I know it's you, Karlach.
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Thanks, Rondo.
[genuinely. she'll make it.]
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well, it's something, at least. ]
There's no need to thank me. It's merely the truth.