[ weh... his little star pieces. they're still extra fluffy - his eyes well up again, and the tears drop. ]
No - no... no, I think he's always...
[ Hated you? Of course I have. rondo's expression crumples, and he sucks in a breath, tries to keep himself from reacting any further. karlach is right. ]
... he's hated everything for so long, and I didn't... [ And there's nothing you ever could have done. ] ... I didn't even know. He's smiling, Karlach, I've never seen him smile before.
[nooooo BUDDY. well, she's already a very affectionate person as is, so this week makes it so that she shifts, turning to face him. she criss-crosses her legs and brings both hands, warm and steady, up to his face, wiping the tears from his cheeks with her thumbs.]
That's your first clue it's not real, then. [her tail comes up to lightly slap at his leg.] Not up to you to fix someone who hates everybody and everything. All you can do is be there. They've got to hold out a hand to you.
[ not the tail slaps. well, okay the outpouring of affection is enough, and he's just - actually crying now, big baby tears that fall onto her hands. he presses into the contact anyway, and closes his eyes. it's not real. that can't be real. sir sazantos has never smiled. maybe a smirk. maybe a quirk of his mouth. he's never really smiled. not with rondo. not with anyone. because he was miserable, because - no, focus.
there's a hiccup - a wet noise, a sob. desperate and childish, maybe. pathetic. ] I wanted to. I wanted to help him. [ even if it wasn't up to him. couldn't it have been? shouldn't he have just noticed? couldn't he have just broken past his walls? could all of this have been prevented?
Maybe it could have been. By you, though? You were never worth my time. How could you ever have helped anyone? ] I'm sorry, Sir Sazantos. I'm sorry...
[donks her forehead against his for a second - mindful of the horns - and then carefully wraps him up in an actual hug. warm and solid. steady and calm. he can probably hear her metal heart chugging away, steam ports and hissing, a gentle thud of machinery.]
Yeah, m'sure you did. [...] But they've got to want to be helped, is what I'm saying.
He's not here. You've got no idea what he'd actually say to you. You can imagine, but that's all. And your imagination's being awful at you, so try not to let it win, yeah?
[ bonked... rondo goes along with it, letting himself be moved like a rag doll, letting himself meld into the feeling of warm and familiar.
there's something about that's a little - it's a little funny. mostly because he thinks about his last conversation with sazantos, and he thinks about the last ten years of his life. about how he could probably predict what sazantos would say, for the longest time, and how lately, it's all been thrown in the air.
he listens to that metallic thudding heartbeat, and tries to center himself into that, too. ]
... I don't like this. [ rondo says, eventually - plaintive, tiny, tired, definitely a little childish, but he nods. it's not real. he's not real. he's not actually here. (wouldn't it be better if he was? wouldn't he raze this entire cult to the ground - is there not a better example of a place soaked in despair and desire? How long are you going to wish for me to save you? How long must you rely on me to be strong? You are weak. ]
[maybe he can predict it, but he doesn't know for sure. you never know how people will surprise you, karlach thinks. you can know a person so, so well, and they'll flip the script.]
I don't blame you. Didn't like it either. [she says, rubbing his back.] It'll wear off. But you can't hold onto any of it. It's meant to hurt. That's not good for you.
[she's got a decent wisdom score!!! intelligence is shit but she's good at this]
Good. Don't torture yourself. [presses a big mwah sort of kiss to the side of his head.] You're a good man, Rondo, I can see it. Don't talk yourself out of it because of some stupid tea, yeah?
[ there's a tiny little laugh, and... at the mwah, he ends up burrowing a little closer, settling into the warmth, the familiarity. the affection and sweetness, the warmth and the light of all the good things in the world. he takes a deep breath. ]
I should.. I should've known - that should've been my first clue. He's smiling.
[ it's a little lighter, this time, like he's making fun of himself. of how ridiculous that is. duh. duh. ]
it does seem like this has helped a little, because when she laughs, he does too, and he reaches up to rub at his eyes, trying to will the last of the odd hallucinations away. ]
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No - no... no, I think he's always...
[ Hated you? Of course I have. rondo's expression crumples, and he sucks in a breath, tries to keep himself from reacting any further. karlach is right. ]
... he's hated everything for so long, and I didn't... [ And there's nothing you ever could have done. ] ... I didn't even know. He's smiling, Karlach, I've never seen him smile before.
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That's your first clue it's not real, then. [her tail comes up to lightly slap at his leg.] Not up to you to fix someone who hates everybody and everything. All you can do is be there. They've got to hold out a hand to you.
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there's a hiccup - a wet noise, a sob. desperate and childish, maybe. pathetic. ] I wanted to. I wanted to help him. [ even if it wasn't up to him. couldn't it have been? shouldn't he have just noticed? couldn't he have just broken past his walls? could all of this have been prevented?
Maybe it could have been. By you, though? You were never worth my time. How could you ever have helped anyone? ] I'm sorry, Sir Sazantos. I'm sorry...
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Yeah, m'sure you did. [...] But they've got to want to be helped, is what I'm saying.
He's not here. You've got no idea what he'd actually say to you. You can imagine, but that's all. And your imagination's being awful at you, so try not to let it win, yeah?
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there's something about that's a little - it's a little funny. mostly because he thinks about his last conversation with sazantos, and he thinks about the last ten years of his life. about how he could probably predict what sazantos would say, for the longest time, and how lately, it's all been thrown in the air.
he listens to that metallic thudding heartbeat, and tries to center himself into that, too. ]
... I don't like this. [ rondo says, eventually - plaintive, tiny, tired, definitely a little childish, but he nods. it's not real. he's not real. he's not actually here. (wouldn't it be better if he was? wouldn't he raze this entire cult to the ground - is there not a better example of a place soaked in despair and desire? How long are you going to wish for me to save you? How long must you rely on me to be strong? You are weak. ]
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I don't blame you. Didn't like it either. [she says, rubbing his back.] It'll wear off. But you can't hold onto any of it. It's meant to hurt. That's not good for you.
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...I know. [ and then softer, repeating to himself. ] I know.
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Good. Don't torture yourself. [presses a big mwah sort of kiss to the side of his head.] You're a good man, Rondo, I can see it. Don't talk yourself out of it because of some stupid tea, yeah?
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I should.. I should've known - that should've been my first clue. He's smiling.
[ it's a little lighter, this time, like he's making fun of himself. of how ridiculous that is. duh. duh. ]
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[she murmurs, letting him ease into her. her tail settles around him.]
They're really fucking effective.
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...yeah. [ yeah, definitely a grouch.
as karlach says that though, he frowns a little, and asks, after a long, quiet, moment: ] ...did you see them, too?
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[casually. like it isn't a big deal.]
Don't worry about it, I'm alright.
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... Still - remember, we're supposed to be not alright together. If you want to talk about it...
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I remember. [tugs his hair.] But I don't want to worry about me right now, so don't stress.
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I like to worry about you. [ 8( but he does laugh a little bit at the hair tug, a tiny bit cheered. ]
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You like to worry about everybody. [fond.] But thanks. Really.
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[ prods her tail... prods
it does seem like this has helped a little, because when she laughs, he does too, and he reaches up to rub at his eyes, trying to will the last of the odd hallucinations away. ]
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I do! It's what I'm good at. You're all a super worrying lot. [shakes him gently.]