[her tail comes to curl around his ankle. sorry if you trip and die because of this.]
... You and Astarion, I want you to be well. There's all those things that showed up. If I killed someone, I could cure Astarion. I could make sure you get to go back home to Waterdeep. Have a life.
But I don't want to. And you both wouldn't expect it, but it's - maddening. Because I could.
[ okay honestly, his brow knits and his mouth pulls to the side and he looks less sad dog and more edging on frustrated-mad now. frmad. ]
I would do rather more than not expect it, I would be very angry if you did, Karlach. The very last thing I would ever want is to trade any of you for myself, especially in a devil's deal like the one being dangled in front of our noses.
[ he's raising a hand to his mouth like he might chew on a nail, but forces it down instead, wringing his hands behind his back. ]
But I do want to live. And I see a way forward. I simply-- I need you to trust me. At least a little.
[yeah. yeah, see, she has a moral no to doing it. in fact, if someone else did it, she'd be furious. every single person here deserves a chance, deserves a life, and she couldn't just take it like that. but sometimes, when she thinks about a world without gale or astarion, she thinks - maybe if someone needed to be taken out. maybe.]
I do trust you. More than anybody, more than anything. I just don't trust you to always be good to yourself. [a pause, and she kind of just. reaches for him. come here, please.]
You said you just teleported us out, and I hate that. You've got to trust me, too. You can't just make that decision on your own, not when we love you like we do.
[astarion included she's just speaking for him even though she knows he'd rather stake himself than admit he cares about them]
[ he’ll just come lean against her - it’s probably still uncomfortably hot, enough to hurt just a little, but it doesn’t matter ]
… I made a mistake. I feel that I— I had disobeyed her quite a bit, between hearing of her command and the event itself. I was angry, and exhausted from the constant beseeching of the orb, and acting in ways that were simple mirrors of the mistakes of those who came before. I enjoyed the power. Craved more, even—-
I suppose like a taunt rope, I snapped back the other direction enough to sting.
War has been speaking a great deal on the elasticity of fate, of time even. I think they may be correct. I cannot accept the inevitable. Struggling against the tide has its way of tiring out the swimmer though, so one has to be careful in the choosing of the current to fight.
[okay we are only allowed to talk to war about these things sometimes, this is decreed
but she shifts so she can hug him a little - it's a little uncomfortable, but she's starting to cool down. bit by bit. having someone real, who isn't laughing at her, is helping.]
Helps if you've got a strong swimmer on your side. I'll help you. [she says, quietly.] I'm glad - I'm glad you don't want to die.
[but you do. or - you don't, do you? all of this cheer is fake, isn't it, karlach? you haven't accepted a single bit of it.
[ his hair is very clean, he smells like soap and lavender. someone at least has been pretty meticulous about bathing okay. leaning against her in turn, putting his forehead against her shoulder. ]
You ... know that we very much would like you to live as well, yes?
[ and then, knowing this is going to make her mad. but so many things she's said to him have made him mad, and perhaps they needed to be said as well. ]
... We have your heart. And there are great wells of magic at play here. If I am not allowed to treat my own fate as inevitability, I expect you to hold to the same.
[it doesn't make her mad so much as it just makes her tired. she has a lot of hope, always, but it's so difficult to let this particular one back in after she'd come to terms with it.]
Does it feel bad, to you? [she asks quietly, eyes closed.] To hope that'll happen?
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... You and Astarion, I want you to be well. There's all those things that showed up. If I killed someone, I could cure Astarion. I could make sure you get to go back home to Waterdeep. Have a life.
But I don't want to. And you both wouldn't expect it, but it's - maddening. Because I could.
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I would do rather more than not expect it, I would be very angry if you did, Karlach. The very last thing I would ever want is to trade any of you for myself, especially in a devil's deal like the one being dangled in front of our noses.
[ he's raising a hand to his mouth like he might chew on a nail, but forces it down instead, wringing his hands behind his back. ]
But I do want to live. And I see a way forward. I simply-- I need you to trust me. At least a little.
no subject
I do trust you. More than anybody, more than anything. I just don't trust you to always be good to yourself. [a pause, and she kind of just. reaches for him. come here, please.]
You said you just teleported us out, and I hate that. You've got to trust me, too. You can't just make that decision on your own, not when we love you like we do.
[astarion included she's just speaking for him even though she knows he'd rather stake himself than admit he cares about them]
no subject
… I made a mistake. I feel that I— I had disobeyed her quite a bit, between hearing of her command and the event itself. I was angry, and exhausted from the constant beseeching of the orb, and acting in ways that were simple mirrors of the mistakes of those who came before. I enjoyed the power. Craved more, even—-
I suppose like a taunt rope, I snapped back the other direction enough to sting.
War has been speaking a great deal on the elasticity of fate, of time even. I think they may be correct. I cannot accept the inevitable. Struggling against the tide has its way of tiring out the swimmer though, so one has to be careful in the choosing of the current to fight.
no subject
but she shifts so she can hug him a little - it's a little uncomfortable, but she's starting to cool down. bit by bit. having someone real, who isn't laughing at her, is helping.]
Helps if you've got a strong swimmer on your side. I'll help you. [she says, quietly.] I'm glad - I'm glad you don't want to die.
[but you do. or - you don't, do you? all of this cheer is fake, isn't it, karlach? you haven't accepted a single bit of it.
she closes her eyes.]
S'not fake. [she mutters, tail lashing.]
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anyway this is fine, he is happy to hug her for as long as she wants at least during affection week when it isn't overstimulating as all hell. ]
No, it's not fake.
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Yeah. Yeah, I'm not pretending. [she says, huffily, burying her face into his hair. does not elaborate]
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You ... know that we very much would like you to live as well, yes?
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I know. I know you do. [she swallows hard.] You'll remember me when I'm not though, right? This.
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[ and then, knowing this is going to make her mad. but so many things she's said to him have made him mad, and perhaps they needed to be said as well. ]
... We have your heart. And there are great wells of magic at play here. If I am not allowed to treat my own fate as inevitability, I expect you to hold to the same.
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Does it feel bad, to you? [she asks quietly, eyes closed.] To hope that'll happen?